Lord, I’ve been praying to you about this for a few months now. At first it was abstract and occasional thoughts here and there, not even every day.
It would be nice to meet him.
After an afternoon of discussion that ranged in topic from hope to feelings of betrayal to faith to prayer to family to food to love, I began to pray in earnest.
Please, Lord, send me to him. Send him to me. I believe that You have made me grow in faith, in wisdom, in mind and body and spirit, in order to prepare me for the day that I am to meet him. I firmly believe that you have been working in similar ways in his life. Lord, I feel ready to meet him.
Maybe not to dive headlong into a relationship. Maybe not to be engaged in a year. Maybe not to plan everything out step-by-step.
But please. Just meet him, and know. I would like to know. To know that I won’t be alone. Because, Lord, I know that I could do it alone. I know that all I need is You. But I pray that that isn’t the life You have planned for me, and I pray that You allow me to see who it is that You have decided to match me with.
And now, Lord, I keep getting images. And they scare me.
Is this You, Lord? Or am I projecting, making up something that I wish were true?
Are these images that I’ve been getting, almost like a flickering television set in my head playing an old romantic movie, are they of my own imagining? I’ve never been able to imagine so clearly before, Lord. Are these from someone who wants to see me turn away from You?
I see him and me, sitting on the sofa, legs tangled, talking.
I see him and me, rolling in the snow, laughing and shoving handfuls in each other’s face.
I see my hands running over his chest, his ring glinting on my finger, my mouth warm and loving on his skin.
Am I sinning, Lord? To play these images in my head, to know that I know exactly whose chest it was my hands were caressing, is it wrong? How can it be wrong when no matter what I do, how I concentrate, when I start to pray to You for guidance, You seem to send me these glimpses?
Will I be the woman who tells her children, I knew before he even looked at me?
Or will I be the woman who winds up alone because she didn’t see what You gave her for the images playing like a reel inside her head?
I thought I was over this, God. I thought I had put it aside, locked tight in a drawer that no one would ever open again. Is it You who wields the key now, Lord? Or is it someone willing me to trip up, baiting me to fall, tempting me to wrong You?
I tell myself to stop the pictures, the thoughts. I tell myself to listen instead to Your Voice. I tell myself not to be distracted by such wonderful scenes floating across my mind. But they won’t stop.
And I’m scared. What if it’s not You?
And what if it is?
Perhaps I am even more frightened of the fact that maybe, just maybe, it is You, showing me glimpses of hope, of what could yet be.
And who am I to flout You, Lord?
But how am I ever supposed to know what is the truth if I never see him? How am I supposed to learn Your Will if I can’t discern Your Voice?
Please, Lord, guide me through this, because there is no way I can survive without You. Please, Lord, let Your Will be done in my life, because I know of no other way to fully live. Please, Lord, hold my hand as I stumble through these trials. And please, Lord, cradle his heart gently in the palm of your hand, keeping him safe and whole for me, whoever he may be, be he or be he not who my mind’s eye seems so convinced he be.