I am starting this post without knowing what I want to say through it, or where I want it to go. I merely feel a need to express the extent of my disconnectedness. While I am not new to religion, I most certainly am new to a personal relationship with God.
Before I continue, maybe you need a little backstory. I’ll keep it short and sweet. I was raised a good little Catholic girl, and religion was a set of actions you made in order to “achieve” heaven. I grew into a curious Christian whose parents were dead-set against her new-chosen path.
My relationship with God (and perhaps my faith in Him, as well) was a minuscule spark that shed very little light until friendship and the Holy Spirit fanned it into flame. The flame shimmered and flickered uncertainly for a bit, then slowly grew stronger and brighter, as I did. But now everything is being done to snuff out that flame, and I feel like maybe it’s starting to work. My flame is sputtering again.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to let this happen, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I’m running in quicksand; I’m swimming in an undertow. I can’t go anywhere, and there doesn’t seem to be a rope for me to grab onto anywhere near me. I’m slowly losing hope.
Playing Jesus Culture on my computer is easy, but it doesn’t replace worship. Reading my bible is perhaps not quite as easy, but I lose motivation for it as soon as I open it, because I don’t think I’ll hear anything. Praying helps a little bit, but often makes me tear up, and I so hate to cry. I’m stuck in a rut, and church was helping to pull me out, but then that rope was snapped and I’m back where I started.